War Crimes—Metal Gear Solid 2

27 05 2010

War Crimes is a new hopefully-weekly article in which I document a section of a game that is so bad that its production should be punishable by war tribunal. This is not to say that the entire game is terrible, but that this chunk of gaming is like a turd floating in your milkshake.

 

So let’s get this straight—you’re making a sequel to one of the most popular games of the Playstation, a game with more hype than any game since Super Mario Bros. 3, a game that sold millions of copies of Zone of the Enders just so that people could play the first hour. One could argue that Metal Gear Solid 2 had a huge impact on the overall sales of the Playstation 2 itself. So what do you do to segue into the third act?

Well, you could continue what makes the rest of the game great: sneaking around, taking out bad guys one by one, using cool weapons, or introducing plot twists that make Lost look like See Spot Run. Or you could do what Kojima did: figure out a way to combine a lobotomy and abortion and put it into ones and zeroes on a DVD.

Here’s how it went down, for those of you who didn’t play the game.

First you create the worst swimming mechanic since Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the NES. Raiden swims in MGS 2 as well as a brick with fins stitched to the side. He gets hung on anything that sticks off the walls, he can’t see ahead of him, and trying to get into one of the microscopic air bubbles is like trying to get a drunk man into a pair of pants two sizes too small. Oh, and did I mention you can’t bring up your map while swinging? That certainly helps you make it through the sunken labyrinth that is Strut B.

Then there’s a boss fight with a gay vampire, years before Twilight. That’s actually pretty cool.

Then you meet the bitch that’ll be ruining the next four to six hours of your life—Emma Emmerich, aka E.E. Remember the terrible swimming section? Now you get to do it again with this useless hooker on your back, and it turns out that she has about a third of the oxygen bar of Raiden. If she dies, no one can disarm the bomb, leading to the end of the world and a concered “Raiden? Raiden?” game over screen.

Assuming you somehow get out of the water without kissing the end of a shotgun, you’re now tasked with crossing a bridge for no particular reason. Of course, the bridge can’t support two people, so you send E.E. alone while you pick off bad guys with a sniper rifle. Thankfully, the ammo fairy drops unlimited sniper rifle ammo in two flavors—kill or tranquilize—at your feet. And more thankfully, none of the bad guys hear your rifle shots.

Then, just as she gets to the end, the gay vampire jumps up onto the bridge next to her (thus disproving the whole only-one-person-can-fit-on-the-bridge theory). God forbid you don’t kill the vampire fast enough or accidentally shoot E.E.—because then she’d die.

Like she does anyway at the end of the scene.

Someone else disarms the bomb, and you develop a drinking problem as a result of wasting four hours of your life and at least three Dual Shock 2’s. I’d go on to describe the cut scene in which Otacon admits he can’t have an incestuous affair with his sister because he already had one with his mom, but I need a drink. Fuck you, E.E. Fuck you.

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