Curriculum for Master’s Degree in Boss Studies

14 06 2010

Welcome to Video Game University! Below you’ll find the introductory courses for a degree in Boss Studies, taught by some of the most prolific bosses in video game history! Note that your courses will not be refunded if you hero kills you.

 

Henchmen 1101

Professor Bowser Koopa, Sr.

In this course you will learn to utilize henchmen effectively during fights with your hero. This includes making certain to send them all after your enemy at once instead of three at a time and identifying which easily-killed henchmen will drop powerups for your adversary. The final exam will consist of fighting the hero your own god damn self if you are invincible to everything except having your own soldiers thrown at you.

 

Dressing for Success 1202

Professor Seymore Guado

This course will educate you in how to properly attire yourself for combat, including: not wearing clothes that advertise your elemental weakness, wearing some sort of armor instead of robes when your enemies have swords, and spending less time on your hair than on battle preparation. Guest lecturers will extol the virtues of wearing a spiky hat if your hero mostly just jumps on you.

 

Base Design 1308

Professor Revolver Ocelot

This architectural course will prepare you to design a personal fortress that will repel enemies efficiently. You will be taught to avoid typical mistakes such as leaving lots of weapons lying around, designing cameras to sweep back and forth when they could stand still over each door, and ensuring that the base is structurally sound enough to stand on its own even if the boss is defeated. Extra credit is given to students who instruct their henchmen to keep looking for the hero they just spotted instead of giving up after sixty seconds.

 

Personal Security 1409

Professor Ganon Dorf

This class builds on Base Design by helping the student identify weak points in his or her fortress. Subjects covered include putting lots of pits in place if your hero can’t jump and keeping the key to your personal room on your person instead of in a chest just outside the door. Special attention is given to scouring your base for the one weapon that a) opens the path through the base and b) just happens to be your weakness, and ensuring that said weapon is not just lying around in a chest along with a map directly to you. In fact, get all the son-of-a-bitching treasure chests out of there!

 

Learning Under Fire 1808

Professor Every-God-Damn-Boss Ever

In this course you will learn how to change your strategy if it turns out that your hero has found a flaw in your attack. Special areas of study include not lowering your defenses every time your enemy defeats a wave of henchmen, avoiding spells that seem to be reflected or absorbed every fucking time, and not using the same attack over and over if your opponent can counter it without breaking a sweat.

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