Dustin Goes to the Keynotes—E3 2010

17 06 2010

Please note that Dustin did not actually go to the keynotes. Also, he missed most of Nintendo’s because he had to work. But below is a basic summary along with a few smarmy remarks.

Welcome to E3 2010! I’m here (on my couch), absorbing all the action (watching Taken while drinking pear-flavored vodka), reporting live to you (my wife, the three people who go to my blog, and hopefully someone running a real site whom I’m hoping to impress). So what might you have missed the last few days? Let’s take a look!



Things kicked off with Microsoft’s Xbox conference. A good American conference. What happened? Well…

  • MS kicked off the speech with a Call of Duty: Black Ops trailer. Um, yeah. Shooting guys. The only thing of note here is that MS wrote Activision a check and now all DLC for CoD games will be timed exclusives. I’m trying to think of a way to make this funny or justify how this isn’t a big “Fuck you!” to everyone who owns a PS3, but I got nothing.
  • Trailer for Metal Gear Solid: Rising. You’ve played a hundred games with a “bullet-time mode” in which time slows down while you shoot guys, right? Well, now you’ll play “slicey-time mode,” in which time slows down while you decide exactly how to filet a bitch. Wasn’t it just a decade ago when everyone thought Raiden was lame? Apparently he’s not.
  • Gears of War 3 has girls and giant bad guys. Let’s move on.
  • Fable 3 is coming and we still don’t know how it’ll use Natal… er, um, Kinect. Peter Molyneux must have been on Adderall or something because he didn’t say anything crazy. (Does anyone else think it’s odd that MS Word doesn’t have “Molyneux” in its Spellcheck dictionary?)
  • Crytek is making a game called Codename: Kingdom. Other working titles are Codename: Not 300, Dammit! and Codename: Gladiator’s Not Trademarkable, Right?
  • Halo: Reach exists. So that’s good. It has space dogfights, so that sounds good, too.
  • Did I mention that Natal is called Kinect now? It’s apparently the greatest gaming interface of all time, but its gaming potential seems limited to Wii knock-offs for now. Seriously, why is this tech popping up in games before computers and entertainment systems?
  • Liam Neeson kicks major ass. This doesn’t have anything to do with Microsoft; I’m just at a killer scene in Taken.
  • Kinectimals will probably kick Eyepet in the retail nuts. Just sayin’.
  • Forza, Adventures, blah blah blah. Just about what you’d expect, except that Forza lets you walk around a car and look at it without a physical controller. If MS could combine this with Sony’s 3D tech, we’d have Iron-Man’s basement. Come on, guys, get it together!
  • Apparently Microsoft has a new 360 on the way? It’s quieter, smaller, blacker, shinier, and less buttonier. The new system has touch-sensitive buttons, a 250GB hard drive, 802.11n Wi-Fi built in, a black-on-black controller, and comes with a special “AUX” port that will power your Kinect without a separate power supply. The system will be available super-soon. Don’t look now, but I think it’s behind you!

Apparently a company named “Nintendo” has been making games since 1880 or something. Here’s what they have to say about things:

  • Did you know that Nintendo employees can teleport and survive dragon breath? Neither did I. I wonder what their benefits package is like?
  • Nintendo is making a game called Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. Apparently this is a sequel to some other game. In this game you can shoot bows and arrows just like you did in Wii Sports Resport, or roll bombs around, or slice fools with 1:1 accuracy. Unless you’re on stage surrounded by Wi-Fi and such, in which case your controller will malfunction.
  • Mario Sports Mix, Wii Party, Just Dance 2… apparently, casual games are fun on this Nintendo system and there will be more. Kind of neat is that they’re packaging multiple sports in one instead of selling them to you one at a time.
  • Golden Sun and Goldeneye: Apparently there were old games with “Golden” in the title that were popular on other Nintendo systems, so you’ll see them again on the Wii.
  • Next up was a game called Kirby’s Epic Yarn. Remember when Nintendo said, “Hey, we don’t have the most powerful hardware out there, so we’ll make a Mario game with a whole ‘Paper’ concept so it looks like an artistic choice?” They’re doing it again with Kirby and string. (Yarn can mean a bit of intertwined string, or a story. See what they did there?) Anyway, I like Kirby and Paper Mario was cool, so this could work as a game—although I might have preferred it on the DS.
  • Metoroid and Donkey Kong: Yep, Nintendo’s still trading on the old franchises, although the DK license has been dead a while so that could be fun. Oh, and Dragon Quest IX sold enough that it’s coming to America. So there.
  • Then they dropped the big boy. The true successor to the DS, the 3DS, will be coming at some time for some price. We know a few things: 3D widescreen on top, touch screen on bottom, 3D camera, ability to watch 3D movies, graphics on the Wii level or so, fully compatible with DS and DSi games. No glasses required for 3D viewing, which pretty much kicks ass. Kid Icarus will be the launch game or thereabouts, and it looks good. Also, each one comes with a free supermodel, so there you go.



Sony makes games. Here we go.

  • Sony has sold a lot of gaming shit, son. PS2 is still doing well. PS3 is doing well. PSP is doing well. Bully for them.
  • 3D is the future. Thanks for telling me, Sony; I’ve never seen a sci-fi movie before.
  • Killzone 3 will be available in 3D. If you were at E3 with a pair of 3D glasses I guess this was an impressive presentation. The rest of us mortals at home were less impressed.
  • A bunch of other games will be available in 3D. The next Mortal Kombat will feature green blood.
  • Apparently Sony has a new motion control system called “Move.” This seems to—get this—let you move your hands around to control what happens in the game. I can’t believe we didn’t have this same tech four years ago at a fraction of the price.
  • Sorcery is a move game that is in no way a Harry Potter knock-off. It has lame, gimmicky Move controls… and actually cool gameplay mechanics. Get ready for a decade of “This would be a good game with a regular controller.”
  • Somehow they demoed a Tiger Woods game without bringing out Tiger Woods.
  • A game called Heroes on the Move is displayed without any Move demonstration. The game is like a supergroup including Jack and Daxter, Ratchet and Clank, Sly Cooper, and someone I’ve never heard of named Bentley. I guess someone will enjoy this.
  • Coca-Cola will feature Playstation games on its cans. BFD.
  • Enter Kevin Butler, who kicks ass.
  • Here we go: Move will cost $100 for a controller with camera and game, $50 for controller, and $30 for nunch—I mean subcont—I mean navigation controller. Some games have been shown to require two controllers per player, so for a complete set for two players (one camera, four controllers, and two navigation controllers) you’ll have to pony up at least $310—over a hundred bucks more than a Wii. Good luck, Sony.
  • Were you hoping for a PSP2 announcement? An iterative system like the DSi? A slew of kick-ass new PSP titles? Well, they’re making some new commercials for the existing mediocre system, so… that’s almost as good, right?
  • I guess inviZanimals is a cool PSP game. It uses the PSP camera to put digital animals in your home. Unless you accidentally bought a PSP Go, which isn’t compatible with the camera. Oops.
  • Little Big Planet 2 looks pretty cool. No jokes there.
  • Playstation Plus… the paid PSN service. It gives you discounts on Playstation Store products and free stuff for $50 a year. Um… I’m trying to think of a joke or a legitimate reason to pay for this, but it’s making me bleed from my ears.
  • Portal 2 will be available on PS3 and will be “the best console version.” As opposed to the hundreds of other console versions. Are they afraid to say “Xbox” here? The trailer looks cool, though.
  • Another trailer for Final Fantasy XIV. Hell, after the huge delay with FFXIII, I’m just impressed they didn’t announce FFXV and FFXVI.
  • Gran Turismo 5 is coming. In other news, apparently Gran Turismo 5 still isn’t out.
  • The show wraps up with inFamous 2 and Twisted Metal VI or so. By this point, though, I’m completely trashed and only want a Taken video game. Maybe next year. Thanks for reading!



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